| day 120 |

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

| week seventeen |

This week was a very good week for me on a personal level. Most of the images spoke more volumes about myself than I would ever be able to express in words. I don't think many people realized this.

Also, I was feeling very feminine this week - and as I said, a lot of myself was put into these. I think that's why I feel as if a lot of women (as a whole) could possibly relate to these images more. The more I pour into them, the more people get out of them themselves.

I will say though that I was very disappointed by the misinterpretation of my day 117. The bruises were subtle for the specific reason that the issue being addressed is usually not acknowledged, or just not noticed. You look at it, see it, but shrug it off and look at another part of the image because it's probably just a trick of the light. Regardless, I did not want people to think I was being shoved against the wall in a sexual manner...despite my affinity for the mentioned act. Oh well.

Another thing - two good friends asked me my favorite photo thus far, so I actually went through and figured it out by process of elimination. After comparing images that were my favorites in a photography sense, and which were my favorite in an emotional sense, I felt that day 76 encompassed both of these for me. Now, day 117 is in 2nd, with day 67 in 3rd.

These next three weeks are going to be absolute murder for me at school, so please be patient if I slack at times. But until next time...

| day 119 |

"I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it."

| day 118 |

---
No quote =)

| day 117 |

"The bruises go away, and so does how you hate, and so does the feeling that everything you receive from life is something you have earned."

| day 116 |

"She was one of those people who was born for the greatness of a single love, for exaggerated hatred, for apocalyptic vengeance, and for the most sublime forms of heroism but she was unable to shape her fate to the dimensions of her amorous vocation, so it was lived out as something flat and gray trapped between her mother's sickroom walls, wretched tenements, and the tortured confessions with which this large, opulent, hot-blooded woman made for maternity, abundance, action, and ardor- was consuming herself."
---
My apologies about the original one posted. My power went out and I had to quickly upload it before the internet went.

| day 115 |

"Women are made to be loved not understood."

| day 114 |

"It is the destiny of a woman to suffer in silence."

| day 113 |

"There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life."

| week sixteen |

4/13! Like...1/3ish of the way there.

The first picture from this week is probably my favorite, hands down. It was just so much fun to take. I will say that 112 was a close second, if not a first just because of how much went into it. It was an emotional one and meant a lot to me in very different ways. All in all, not a terrible week.

I think I'm getting back into a groove again. I don't feel like I'm in such a slump with my photos, and I'm getting into that habit of thinking about it throughout the day again instead of so last minute.

I'm going to thank people who are always with me through this. Whether through comments (Hilary and Fran), "like"-ing on Facebook (Kris), helping me decide on a picture (Pam), helping me pick a quote with awesome analytical skills (Mike), or just being there (everyone). You guys rock. Thank you.

| day 112 |

"Unfortunately, the clock is ticking, the hours are going by. The past increases, the future recedes. Possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting."
---
Today was an emotional one.

| day 111 |

"What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?- it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's good-by. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies."

| day 110 |

"Still, in that instant, I felt well. Whole. I could feel my heart racing in my chest. The blood pulsing hot and fast through my veins. I was perfect - not healed, but as if there had been no wound in the first place. It was like there had never been any hole in my chest."
---
The original junkie =)

| day 109 |

"Every sad thing, every loss or hurt really challenge love that much more, really, just another of beauty's many strongholds."

| day 108 |

"Listen, to the song here in my heart. A melody I start, but can't complete."
---
The first time I couldn't find a quote. Thanks chief.

| day 107 |

"She puts on her make-up the same way she did yesterday, hoping everything's the same, but everything has changed."

| day 106 |

"I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles."
---
Today, I put a playlist on shuffle and just stood in the bathroom with my camera. I was feeling very emotionless, so I let the songs fill me up instead. I took pictures of myself during each song, and this was my favorite.

I'm also not going to tell you the song (and if my roommates give it away, I'll shun them).

| week fifteen |

I hit day 100!! That's like, 1/3-ish of the way there...right?

This week wasn't too bad photo-wise I think (despite being sick at the beginning of it). Day 101 has been in my head for a while, but I just didn't know which way I wanted to go about it. Day 102 was fun to take...although I was all over the place until I decided what I really wanted. Like, I was in a dress, doing my hair, going nuts, etc.

I AM trying to do photo's that contain more of "myself" (in the physical/visual sense). It was pointed out that I take too many pictures of pieces of myself, and not of a whole. I have noticed this, I just haven't acknowledged it to the public. Not that it's an excuse, but I will say it is a bit difficult to do full body pics of myself when I don't have someone there to re-focus the lens for me once I'm in the shot. I try though.

In response to last week's post - I was sick, and that was a very whiny journal. But in my "defense", I still feel like there is a happy medium between "telling me it's a piece of crap" or to "lie and coddle" me. I'd prefer that, on the bad AND good pictures that people give me constructive criticism. I'd love to hear what people like and dislike about each picture instead of the generic, "Omg, I love this!!!" Regardless, it's good to hear from you...

Until next week.

| day 105 |

"Thinking about something is like picking up a stone when taking a walk, either while skipping rocks on the beach, for example, or looking for a way to shatter the glass doors of a museum. When you think about something, it adds a bit of weight to your walk, and as you think about more and more things you are liable to feel heavier and heavier, until you are so burdened you cannot take any further steps, and can only sit and stare at the gentle movements of the ocean waves or security guards, thinking too hard bout too many things to do anything else."
---
I know, I look thrilled to be there. Stupid assignment.

| day 104 |

"Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world."

| day 103 |

"You think because he doesn't love you that you are worthless. You think that because he doesn't want you anymore that he is right -- that his judgment and opinion of you are correct. If he throws you out, then you are garbage. You think he belongs to you because you want to belong to him. Don't. It's a bad word, 'belong.' Especially when you put it with somebody you love. Love shouldn't be like that. Did you ever see the way the clouds love a mountain? They circle all around it; sometimes you can't even see the mountain for the clouds. But you know what? You go up top and what do you see? His head. The clouds never cover the head. His head pokes through, because the clouds let him; they don't wrap him up. They let him keep his head up high, free, with nothing to hide him or bind him. You can't own a human being. You can't lose what you don't own. Suppose you did own him. Could you really love somebody who was absolutely nobody without you? You really want somebody like that? Somebody who falls apart when you walk out the door? You don't, do you? And neither does he. You're turning over your whole life to him. Your whole life, girl. And if it means so little to you that you can just give it away, hand it to him, then why should it mean any more to him? He can't value you more than you value yourself."

| day 102 |

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You're left so alone that you can't explain. Damn, there's nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You're nodding your head."

| day 101 |

"When you're sick of trying, how can you expect to succeed? I can't recall my first failure, and I'll forget this one too over time. We're all tired of fucking up, and that's not just being sorry, it means brush the dirt off, get up and try again."

| day 100 |

"...Though we are handicapped on all sides, we are not crushed. Though we are perplexed, we are not in despair. Though we are knocked down...we are not knocked out."

| day 99 |

"The miserable have no other medicine but only hope."

| week fourteen |

Only 38 weeks to go!?

Ugh. This week was a bad week and I apologize. Although, I really shouldn't be apologizing unless it's to myself. This is for me and no one else. If people don't like when my pictures aren't "amazing", too bad. The only thing is that I let myself down when my pictures aren't epic.

I find that, even though I know I have tons of supporters, I only seem to get comments/encouragement/criticism when my photos are decent. This is when I have to remind myself that I'm in this for me, and only me. It's just hard though when I don't receive support when I'm feeling the lowest, y'know? I'd rather people not comment on any of the "good" pictures, and just comment/criticize on the "bad" pictures. Oh well.

In other news, I have strep throat and it sucks something fierce. My tonsils are huge, I'm feverish, and my entire body aches. On the plus side, I have tons-o-drugs and I've slept for almost an entire day =D

| day 98 |

"My heart, which is so full to overflowing, has often been solaced and refreshed by music when sick and weary."
---
My apologies for the webcam photo. I have a fever and no energy to move.

| day 97 |

"...It occurs to me that the peculiarity of most things we think of as fragile is how tough they truly are. There were tricks we did with eggs, as children, to show how they were, in reality, tiny load-bearing marble halls; while the beat of the wings of a butterfly in the right place, we are told, can create a hurricane across an ocean. Hearts may break, but hearts are the toughest of muscles, able to pump for a lifetime, seventy times a minute, and scarcely falter along the way. Even dreams, the most delicate and intangible of things, can prove remarkable difficult to kill."

| day 96 |

"Your heart just breaks, that's all. But you can't judge or point fingers. You just have to be lucky enough to find someone who appreciates you."
---
Remind me to re-make some of these pictures. Ugh.

| day 95 |

"People think dreams aren't real just because they aren't made of matter, of particles. Dreams are real. But they are made of viewpoints, of images, of memories and puns and lost hopes."

| day 94 |

"Nobody loves me, nobody cares, nobody picks me peaches and pears. Nobody offers me candy and Cokes, nobody listens and laughs at me jokes. Nobody helps when I get in a fight, nobody does all my homework at night. Nobody misses me, nobody cries, nobody thinks I'm a wonderful guy. So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz, I'll stand up and tell you that Nobody is. But yesterday night I got quite a scare, I woke up and Nobody just wasn't there. I called out and reached out for Nobody's hand, in the darkness where Nobody usually stands. Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook, but I found somebody each place that I looked. I searched till I'm tired, and now with the dawn, there's no doubt about it - nobody's gone!"

| day 93 |

"And all the woe that moved him so, that he gave that bitter cry. The wild regrets, and the bloody sweats - none knew so well as I: For he who lives more lives than one, more deaths than one must die."

| day 92 |

"I don't think immediate tragedy is a very good source of art. It can be, but too often it's raw and painful and un-dealt with. Sometimes art can be a really good escape from the intolerable, and a good place to go when things are bad, but that doesn't mean you have to write directly about the bad thing; sometimes you need to let time pass, and allow the thing that hurts to get covered with layers, and then you take it out, like a pearl, and you make art out of it."

| week thirteen |

Ahh - it's November already! Here's to the beginning of month four!

This week was a fun week for me. I really liked the contrast/dark theme I kept throughout the entire week (well, except maybe day 91). I think having a theme helped me focus on what to do. Maybe I'll do lighter things this week...it depends on my mood today.

My favorite pic was definitely day 90. I was so happy we had food coloring at home and that my friends knew how to make blood, AND that I had my male friends over to help me as well. Setting up the picture was sooo much fun. You can't tell, but I am wearing a corset, a lot of make up, and my hair is quite curly. I just loved setting this up and I'm glad I had my friends to help me.

As for meaningful...day 91. I've had this quote for a while, and I felt like it was time to use it. The quote (I would like to think) describes me perfectly, and the picture with it simply emphasizes it. It was a happy result.

Well, until next week!

| day 91 |

"She seems so cool, so focused, so quiet, yet her eyes remain fixed upon the horizon. You think you know all there is to know about her immediately upon meeting her, but everything you think you know is wrong. Passion flows through her like a river of blood. She only looked away for a moment, and the mask slipped, and you fell. All your tomorrows start here."